Finding My Voice – Part 3

Alas, we arrive at the conclusion of the Finding My Voice series. If you’ve by chance landed at this installment first, feel free to check out Part 1 and Part 2 before continuing.

I could have summarized most of this story and skipped to the “climax” all in one post, but I wanted to tell this tale with as much detail as I could recall so that you can see how out of character, yet long overdue my final encounter with J.R. was. It might seem insignificant to those who don’t know the full story, but now we’ve been through this together, and I consider this a defining moment I’ll never forget.

After that day in J.R’s apartment, I must have given him the silent treatment for about a month or so. I ignored his texts and calls until finally, he tried messaging me on Facebook. And since Facebook saves everything, even the conversations of deleted users, I have a snippet of when I finally broke the silence to share:

I decided it was finally time to speak to him on the phone. I’d let him know my thoughts, and hear what he had to say as well. Several weeks had passed since the event, so I had already gotten over the rage of it. I calmly explained to him that he was being pushy and manipulative. Even after I told him no several times, he forced me down and put his hands on me in places I did not consent to.

He replied, saying that he didn’t really know what I wanted, and he couldn’t tell when he was being pushy. That when a girl tells him “no”, he doesn’t know if she really means “no” or if she’s just challenging him. I almost erupted at that statement.

“No means No!” I yelled. Seriously, isn’t everyone taught that? Evidently not. “J.R., that is something you need to learn Right Now! If a girl tells you no, you STOP!”

I don’t remember what else we spoke about but I know we didn’t stay on the phone long. He lathered me with apologies, which I was completely neutral towards. I just knew that I would never find myself alone with him ever again.

Well that’s what I thought, anyway. Sometimes, things just happen which are out of your control.

The Fall 2016 semester started soon enough. My senior year. I would be graduating the following May. J.R. and I hardly spoke anymore, and I certainly didn’t arrange to meet up with him, but alas, the University of Memphis is a small campus.

When the weather is nice, I eat lunch outside. Usually alone. On more than one occasion J.R. ran into me while I was eating and opted to chat for a few. The first time I was sitting on the stairs outside of the UC. He came up behind me and sat next to me, startling me before I realized it was him. A tinge of annoyance washed over me as I knew I didn’t want to be alone with him. But I consoled myself with the fact that we were in a public location. Our small talk conversation lasted only a few minutes before he left.

The second time was very similar to the first. I was eating lunch on a bench and he came to sit next to me. These interactions were sporadic enough such that I knew they were completely coincidental. However, they still managed to annoy me, and even though I was still friendly with him, he had become the status of “acquaintance” in my mind.

J.R. sent me a Facebook message nearing the end of the semester. He would be graduating in December, and he wanted to meet up with me one last time:

I’m honestly not sure what state of mind I was in to agree to meet up with him. After everything we had been through, why was I still giving him the time of day? I can’t answer those questions. It seems like so long ago. But by revisiting those messages, I do realize two things:

1. I made sure to meet him in a public place.

2. I met him in the morning right before he had to go rather than the evening where he was free all day. This gave us a definite end for our time together.

I entered the first floor of the UC since that’s where all the eating areas were and messaged him, asking where he was. He replied saying, 2^nd floor.

A little alarm went off in my head. 2^nd floor? Why would he be there? I said we could get something to eat, and there were no restaurants on the 2^nd floor. Hmm.

I bought myself some Asian noodles and took it up to the 2^nd floor to meet him, reassuring myself that the 2^nd floor UC was still a very public place.

So I see him, and we sit down at a small table. I’m eating my noodles, he’s completely empty handed. I don’t recall the gist of our conversation, but I do remember in great detail what transpired when he asked me to go to the exact location I was adamantly trying to avoid.

“Hey Heather, come with me up to the 3^rd floor.”

“No.” I said calmly. “I don’t want to go upstairs.”

“Why not?”

“It’s secluded. I’m not trying to be alone with you.”

He gave me a smile, like he thought I was being sweet. Or cute. Or childish. I’m not sure which one. Then he got up from his chair and took my hand, pulling me to my feet along with him. “Come on, let’s go.”

“No!” I said. I could see the look on his face. He thought I was playing a game like all the other times. I resisted him, but he firmly pulled me behind him, gaining ground as I stumbled forward.

I knew exactly where this was going and I knew how it would end up. I would give in. I would roll my eyes, saying he’s stronger than me and I couldn’t do anything. I would be uncomfortable as we cuddled on the 3^rd floor, beating myself up because I let myself get into this situation again.

Except that I wouldn’t.

Something snapped inside me and I decided that come hell or high water, I would not go up to the 3^rd floor with him. Not this time.

“I Said NO!” I yelled in a burst of anger and adrenaline as I yanked my hand away from his. “Dammit!” I brought my hands to my head, pacing the floor, unleashing all my thoughts, not caring what attention I was bringing to us. “This is what I’m TALKING about! You’re being PUSHY! You don’t know when you’re being pushy? THIS is it right here! I TOLD you I didn’t want to go to the 3^rd floor and now you’re GRABBING my hand and trying to FORCE me up there against my will? What is WRONG with you!?”

It felt so good to unleash on him. Over a year of silence at his inappropriateness came to a screeching halt as I yelled and explained exactly how horrible he was being to me. It was so good to see the look of shock plastered on his face. I paced and ranted for several seconds, before I picked up my noodles and stormed off to the 1^st floor, knowing that he would follow. “I’m done! I’m not doing this!” I had the power now.

I found a small table downstairs and sat there to finish off my noodles. When J.R. joined me a minute or two later, he stared at me in amazement before he said, “I’ve never seen you act like that before.”

“Congratulations, you made me snap.”

Seeing as this was the last official conversation I had with J.R. in person, it’s almost a shame how I don’t remember most of it. But as far as I’m concerned, I recall the most important part. I recall how powerful I felt to stand up for myself and finally stop letting him push me around. I found my voice and told him exactly what I had been thinking for years. It would have been so easy to submit and climb the stairs with him. Give in and stop fighting. But I had been doing that for years (since way before I met J.R.) and it was long past time to make the best decision for me, and not anyone else.

This experience I had with J.R. was only one of the trials I went through in my senior year to find my voice and stand up for myself. Between group projects, club leaderships and other types of drama, this was the year I realized that I don’t have to be obedient. I don’t have to be submissive. I don’t have to be anything. I made a lot of growth that year, and I’m a better person for it.

Congratulations! You made it! I appreciate everyone of you who stuck with me this far! Leave me a comment below if you liked (or disliked) my tale. I’d love to interact with you!

Stay classy!

Bonus Content!

In April of 2018, a stranger named John messaged me on Facebook. His profile pic looked a model posing in front of a scenic background – like a cliff or waterfall – and his page said he worked at League of Legends. Here is our conversation in its entirety. Enjoy!